I have been in relationships with women with Borderline Personality Disorder for most of my life. I have only recently began to understand just how insidious this disorder is. Having been accused of being a narcissist by my ex-fiancee Daftdalla on twitter. I thought I would share just what it is like to be involved with a borderline. The following is a transcript of an actual conversation that occurred near the end of our relationship. I have also provided the recording. For those unfamiliar with this disorder, this should be enlightening. For those who have experienced it, how many negative BPD behaviors can you spot. Does any of this feel familiar? Can you identify who is exhibiting the narcissistic behaviors? Don't take my word for it. Listen to the whole thing as you read along.

MP3 Recording of the conversation.


Me: Let me see if I have this right. You are an abuser. Right? or Not?
Her: Yes. I won't deny that.
Me: And, you do abusive things. And you hold it against people if they get upset that you do abuse things.
Her: Uh Huh
Me: And you get upset if they hold you accountable if you do abusive things.
Her: Yep.
Me: And you don't care?
Her: Oh I will.
Me:Ok. But right now you don't?
Her: Trying not to.
Me: And when you are doing the abusive things you don't care during that time?
Her: That's probably fair to say because I don't see it as abusive at that time.
Me: Ok
Her: Later on I can reason to it.
Me: And you sitting here, we have been talking for some time. And you have labeled so many accusations against me.
Her: And you have proven them all false.
Me:Has a single one been right?
Her: No
Me: You seem very flippant about that.
Her: I am used to it. I am never right.
Me: You understand that phrase is used to imply that its not that your're really wrong it is just everybody saying so. You understand that's commonly how that phrase is used.
Her: Yeah
Me:Are you using it that way?
Her: Yes and no.
Me: So you're partially using it that way.
Her: Uh huh.
Me: Ok. So, you still accusing me of forcing your had academically where I didn't. Right?
Her: I withdrew that.
Me: Ok, but you did accuse me and then withdrew it.
Her: Uh huh
Me: And, non acedemically you were accusing me of forcing me to learn things.
Her: Uh huh.
Me: And I said ok, lets go through. What are those things? And you haven't been able to show a single one yet right?
Her: Right.
Me: So, what the hell? Now you also accused me of force... Deciding where you were going to live.
Her: Uh Huh.
Me: I did that?
Her: You pushed very hard to get me out here.
Me: Um, I do remember, and I still have the text "seems like paradise". And that you wanted to be out here. I even remember my mom remarking about you having eyes for being out here.
Her: Uh huh.
Me: Right?
Her: Yeah I remember that.
Me: That was long before any discussion ever came with you being out here.
Her: Uh huh.
Me: So you were already acting as this being your end game. Were you not?
Her: Yeah. Total BP thing.
Me: But that wasnt me forcing you. Right?
Her: No.
Me: Ok.
Her: I'm talking about is...
Me: and...
Her: When we were at the appartment....
Me: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah woah. Didn't we discuss where you would go after Craigmont?
Her: Yeah.
Me: Uh huh. And so I forced you to the apartment?
Her: No
Me: No! I didn't... Wait, I dind't force you?
Her: Not to the apartment.
Me: No, I didn't force you to the apartment. Didn't we have an agreement that if the apartment didn't work out right for Ben, his academics, you were going to come out here?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: Uh huh. Didn't we have... So uh... And it didn't work out for Ben did it?
Her: It started to but then it tanked.
Me: Right. Ok, um so... We made the agreement. Im not seeing where the force is yet. Now hadn't we had an agreement beforehand? Before the apartment that you were going to come out here?
Her: Yes.
Me: And you were...
Her: Over summers.
Me: And. Uh huh. Did ya?
Her: Reluctantly.
Me: Mmmm. Gotcha. So.
Her: And I spent the summers... Wow. I just put two and two together.
Me: What?
Her: I spent the summers, at the least the first part, while I was in transition, completely miserable and making you miserable.
Me: Yeah, you made me miserable. Uh huh.
Her: That was BP.
Me: You made me miserable. Now, who spent more time at at who's place? Me at yours or you up here?
Her: Oh you at mine.
Me: But yet I....
Her: It was always by choice. I never once told you had to be at my place.
Me: Right. And I never once said you had to be out here.
Her: Except for the summers.
Me: No. I said you need to hold up with your agreement. You liked me being out there and I said yes but it's tough because of what I am giving up. And so to equalize that you were going to come out here. Now I don't nuderstand how I was forcing you to come out here when I was the one that was out of my place more than you. That doesn't sound like force to me. And when.... Yeah I had objections to the apartment. I thought it was not going to work. But I conceeded and let you do it. Right?
Her: Ben and I were happy there. He didn't do what he should have at school.
Me: Uh huh.
Her: It's true.
Me: And you were real happy there? No you weren't. You weren't.
Her: Oh I hated the neighbor upstairs.
Me: Ok. Remember how I had to encourage you? To get your spirits up when you were moving into the apartment? Because you felt like it ws a step backwards?
Her: It was. I was loosing my house.
Me: Ok, so... so... if I was going to force...
Her: I lost all of my belongings.
Me: If I was going to be forcing you... Yeah but this has nothing to do with forcing. Why would I be encouraging you to keep up your spirits... Um...To keep up your spirits if I was forcing you to move out here? I mean it sounds like if I'm going to manipulative like that, what I should do is capitalize on that. And subtly on how... That, "Yeah your right. I mean is a step backwards" I shoudl have agreed with you. Right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: But I didn't.
Her: No, you didn't. It was, it was the summers , the fights we have about the summers. And then when I got here, the misery...
Me: What were those fights about?
Her: My attitude.
Me:About what?
Her: Being here.
Me: So really what you wanted was me to be around you, go to your place all the time, but you never to come to mine.
Her: I wouldn't have minded comming here a few days a week like you did my place.
Me: You never offered that. Ever.
Her: Didn't feel like you would have accepted. You didn't offer it. you chose what I wouldn't accept and now you are blaming me for it.
Her: And besides you used the argument that nine months out of the year you traveling to my place so I could give up three months to be here.
Me: And that's an invalid argument?
Her: No. I'm not saying it is invalid. But it kind of lends me to believe that I can't take time off to...
Me: Ok, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. When you were talking... Maybe I misunderstood. When you were talking about you would have been fine spending a few days here, I must have misunderstood. i thought that was during that time where you weren't comming here at all and I was going there.
Her: No.
Me:Oh ok. So...
Her: I meant the summers.
Me: Gotcha. Then I misunderstood. So what your.... We're back to... You wanted me there.... And only wanted to occasionally come up there. Right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: And... So... And I'm the bad guy for this? I, I was, I... When I was sitting there going "Hey, your not keeping up with the agreement" And it's because it wasnt what you wanted, even though you didn't say... ok?
Her: Uh uh
Me: And what you wanted was not fair. I want to say that straight out. We had fights.
Her: Uh huh.
Me: So... And see this is where I am getting confused. We... I was forcing you to live up here, and that was bad because were were having fights, but were were having fights because, you wanted everyth... you wanted more... on your side than me. More in your bucket.
Her: Big fights once I did come up here. Were were just... We're talking about different periods of time. I'm sorry. Where was the force?
Her: You made it seem like, if I didn't move up here, then... we were done. And I was willing to do anything and everything possible to keep the relationship.
Me: I thought you said you did some of it for Ben.
Her: Ok.
Me: See?
Her: I'll grant you that.
Me: Yeah.
Her: And I don't regret that part of it because he is doing very well here, I would be loath to send him back to Lee's Summit.
Me: Alright, I want you to try to think outside of BP. Ok? Do you best.
Her: Uh huh.
Me: Do you think that it is fair... There are so many flaws in your arguments but ok. I'm trying to keep things straight. Do you think it's fair... Let figure you came up a couple days a weeek right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: But only during the summer. Right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: Ok. So.... That means, if you will, with respect with to an "us", that's even less time here right?
Her: Yeah.
Me: So what you wanted
Her: *unitelligible* back for work.
Me: So what you wanted was ten and a half months overall at your place.
Her: Uh huh.
Me: One and a half here. Right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: Does that seem like a fair relationship to you?
Her: No
Me: What's unfair about it?
Her: The amout of time you have to travel versus me.
Me: So when i think the time is going to be lessened, we're talking the first summer here, and I had been promised this right?
Her: Uh uh
Me: And it doesn't happen, I am at fault for being upset?
Her: *unintelligible*
Me: Am I at fault for being upset at that moment?
Her: No
Me: Ok.
Her: Although you should have taken the reasons behind it into consideration. I was putting my children first.
Me: Mmm. No. Because you children could be either place.
Her: They had summer school.
Me: They summer school. That is correct. And we made allowances for that, did we not?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: And so did you then...
Her: You held it against me but...
Me: Well did you tell me you were going to have summer school?
Her: I honestly do not remember.
Me: You did not. See I remember this argument. And so you made me believe, well at least I'll get three out of the twelve months. Then all of a sudden, boom out of nowhere, summer school. What?!? Ok, you misled me.
Her: mmm
Me: So I wsn't happy. But I swallowed it. I ws like "Allright, but I'll get the time after summer school." So now we're... we're... That's... Summer school ended what? In July right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: So now we're talking July and the first half of August because school starts in the middle of August right?
Her: Right.
Me: So now we are talking a month and a half.
Her: mmm
Me: Right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: Did you hold to your agreement for that month and a half?
Her: For the most part, yes.
Me:No. No you did not.
Her: I was going back and forth to get Sandra.
Me: mmm. And sometimes you would stay there. A couple of days and then come back and so on right?
Her: Because I needed a break...
Me: You needed a break? Yeah ok... So let's see. We're talking a month and a half and you still resented comming up here. So now you have ten and a half months and that still wasn't enough?
Her: Uh huh
Me: And I'm the bad guy? And then after that, didn't you promise it would be different the next year?
Her: Yes
Me: Was it?
Her: No
Me: No!
Her: Summer school happened again.
Me: And then the same crap after that right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: So...
Her: Because when I made that promise I forgot about Ben needing summer school.
Me: Mmm. All right.
Her: For drivers ed.
Me: So effectively the second summer was repeated the first summer right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: Including after the summer school, right?
Her: I don't think so.I think I spent more time here.
Her: Willingly?
Her: No.
Me: No! And since you weren't willing there were fights right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: So, and thats kind of what happened the first year of summer school right? You weren't willing. There were fights.
Her: Right.
Me: So let's see. You misled me the first year. But I swallowed it. And was willing to settle for even less time and you begrudged me that. Promised me it would be different the next year. And repeated the exact same thing.
Her: Uh huh.
Me: No where in this, am I the bad guy for being upset about that?
Her: No.
Me: Ok. No hadn't you stated already, because I clearly remembered this, that once Sandra graduated, you weren't going... We.. We talked about you comming up here and we agreed that Sandra will not be pulled pout of Lee's Summit.
Her: Right
Me: And I COMMITTED to that right?
Her: Yep.
Me: Wait wait wait, but how is that me forcing you to come up here? Is it?
Her: No.
Me: No. Ok. So that's not. Now... But we agreed that then once Sandra was done you were going to come up here right?
Her: Yeah I remember that.
Me:And once Sandra left? Did you come up here?
Her: No
Me: No! You wanted to do the apartment right?
Her: Uh huh. Because Ben wanted to stay.
Me: Woah. You wa... I know that. But you wanted to come up here, or you had agreed that we would come up here after Sandra was done right?
Her: Right.
Me: So now the third time your renegging on your promise right?
Her: Uh huh
Me: Third time. Did I put my foot down and say your comming up here no matter what?
Her: No.
Me: I forced you to come up here?
Her: No.
Me: No! You came... And so therefore you... Just a few minutes ago you said you were willing to do ANYTHING to keep the realtionship as BP. Right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: So your supposably willing to do anything to keep the relationship as BP but... That anything apparently doesn't include: the first summer, or the second summer, those two promises, or the third one. Does it?
Her: No. Because the relationship wasn't on the line.
Me: So... Then the third time, I am looking at getting jacked, and your breaking your promise, and I put my foot down and said either you come to Lexington or its over?
Her: No.
Me: No! And I helped you move to the apartment didn't I?
Her: Yeah.
Me: And I gave you positive support at the apartment didn't I?
Her: Yeah
Me: This doesn't seem like someone who is forcing, Trish.
Her: You...
Me: This doesn't seem like someone who is forcing. For three years straight you lied to me, you broke your promise, and begrudged me what little that I got. Alright?
Her: Uh Huh. I ended up comming up here in April and leaving Ben in the apartment by himself.
Me: That was your choice.
Her: Supposably grounded.
Me: He was grounded I thought. But that was your choice. Wasn't it?
Her: I did that because you wanted it.
Me: No. I had gotten sick and tired of all of the traveling. I wanted home. And so I stayed here. I stayed here. I remember that. I got tired of it.
Her: Uh huh. I could have sworn you... hinted strongly that I should come up here.
Me: So now we have changed from forced to hinted strongly. I mean, I am disagreeing with that as well but, that's a huge change right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: I made it clear that the situation wasn't working right?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: I am fault for making it clear that the situation wasn't working?
Her: No.
Me: So, where's this force Trish?
Her: Well once again it's a BP exageration.
Me: So once again... So now we have been through all the major issues that you were ratteling off...
Her: And the're all BP
Me: And none of them are me are they?
Her: Nope.
Me: And your just... Boy you seem glib about it. It's amazing. It's absolutely amazing.
Her: In hindsight I did the same thing to Paul and vaious others.
Me: Yeah. Yep you did. Yes you did. And you don't seem to show any remorse for it. You don't show any willingness to change the abuseive behavior. How may years have you subjected me to this abusive behavior.
Her: Four plus.
Me: And you say I am not a patient man.
Her: You should have done yourself a favor and kicked me to the curb.
Me: Wouldn't you have retaliated? Haven't you?
Her: I would have taken it out on me.
Me: When I said I wanted you out tonight didn't you retaliate?
Her: Yep.
Me: That't not taking it out on you is it?
Her: No.
Me: No.

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